Eliminate Relationship Conflict for Good: A New and Different Way of Managing Conflict
If your marriage is in a breakdown, uncovering the root cause of conflict is essential.
You might only just be starting to question whether or not your marriage can be saved, or perhaps you’re even contemplating divorce. One thing is certain, you are tired of the drama.
Relationships need clarity and they need direction. When conflict enters a relationship, you need a way to move forward so that you can start the process of rekindling the love you once had.
Can relationships be conflict-free?
The answer is a resounding yes! Your marriage and other significant relationships can not only be conflict-free, but they can be deeply fulfilling, connected, satisfying, and loving.
If you are tired of relationship conflict or are on the brink of divorce, I can help!
What is Relationships Re-patterning? (It's Not Marriage Counseling or Couples Therapy)
Relationships Re-patterning is the new marriage conflict management system.
It is based on the latest discoveries in neuroscience, psychology, and human behavior.
Relationships Re-patterning is a step-by-step system that shows you how to quickly and easily identify the REAL source of your conflict, and eliminate it for good. It is fundamentally different from marriage counseling or couples therapy.
Keep on reading to understand why!
Can This Neuroscience Discovery Save Your Marriage?
The latest findings in neuroscience and psychology show that the brain is not hardwired for certain relationship patterns. In other words, we are not doomed by our genes or relationship history to repeat the same mistakes.
The good news is that we can rewire our brains for a new way of being in relationships, which leads to less conflict and more intimacy. This is not just theory. I have seen it happen time and again with the couples that work with me, Adele Spraggon, the Creator of Re-patterning.
Don’t Settle for a Mediocre Relationship (and Prevent Divorce)
Although relationship conflict is as old as time, we do not have to resign ourselves to a life of drama and despair. There is a new way of managing conflict that can deliver dramatic results and lasting change, typically within 6 to 8 weeks:
- The conflict between partners is reduced or eliminated altogether.
- Couples go from being on the verge of divorce to being like newlyweds again.
- Not a single couple has gone on to separate after working with re-patterning
These results are not due to traditional marriage counseling or couples therapy. They are the result of a new and different way of managing conflict that I have developed over the last 15 years, which is now being used by couples worldwide.
How is Relationships Re-patterning Different from Marriage Counseling or Couples Therapy?
Re-patterning is different from traditional marriage counseling or couples therapy in five key ways:
- I work with you as individuals AND as a couple.
- I focus on the present and the future, not on the past.
- I use modern techniques based on the latest findings in neuroscience to help you rewire your relationship patterns.
- I work with you to set relationship goals and create a plan to achieve them.
- I am results-oriented and goal-oriented, which means I am focused on helping you achieve the relationship of your dreams.
3 Most Common Relationship Mistakes (that Could End Your Marriage)
If you are struggling in your relationship, there is a good chance that you are making one or more of these costly relationship mistakes. Let’s illustrate them with a real client’s story.
The Story of Alice & Robert (not real names)
I first met Alice at a networking event. She and her husband were considering divorce. She asked if I could help.
One of the major causes of disruption in their marriage was disciplining the kids: Alice’s step-kids and Robert’s biological children, a teenage boy and a preteen girl. Both kids were a little unruly and did not want to spend much time at their father’s house. The children lived full-time with Robert’s ex.
Robert’s parenting style was authoritative. He wasn’t one for many words, but when he did, it was mostly yelling and bribes. He laid down the law and expected it to be followed.
Alice preferred to use a lot of words. She would try to get the kids to understand the impact of their decisions, try to convince them, analyze what had happened, and get them to see reason. To Alice, her way was right, and Robert needed correcting.
Robert loved his wife deeply; however, he was in danger of losing both her and the kids. Mostly this resulted from his desire to bury his head in the sand, ignore all issues, and hope they would go away. He was a little naïve about the damage this ignoring was doing, while Alice had half a foot out the door.
Alice’s constant need to talk drove Robert crazy. His yelling at the kids was too much for her to take. She had brought up divorce several times, but he didn’t see any reason to change.
Our initial calls were the same as every couple I worked with. Most people start from a perspective of right vs. wrong:
- Alice was convinced she was right: “You can’t raise kids that way. They don’t even want to come over to the house!”
- Robert was equally convinced he was right: “Kids need discipline; they are all spoiled these days. We need to stop coddling them.”
And so it went.
Mistake #1: Attempting to Determine Who's Right and Who's Wrong
In any conflict, there is an attempt to determine whose right and who’s wrong. Was Alice right in her approach? Yes, sometimes. Was Robert right in his approach? Yes, sometimes. Was there another approach that might have worked? Sure, sometimes.
Solving the Right/Wrong Dichotomy (H4)
Consider the conflict you are having. Are you making Mistake #1?
When dealing with conflict, there is a much better question than which one of us is right, and that is, does what we are doing work? When I asked Alice and Robert this question, the answer was clear. They both agreed that it was not working.
Instead of asking what you are doing (or not doing) right or wrong, consider if it is working or not working – which means two things:
- It works if it is accomplishing what you hope to accomplish.
- It must work for everyone involved. If it only works for some and not all, it isn’t working.
If it is working, keep it; if it isn’t (and any time you are in conflict, it clearly isn’t), it is time to delve into the world of patterns!
Mistake #2: Trying to Fix What Doesn't Work
As Alice and Robert attempted to go down the road of fixing their relationship, they faced other conflicts in their marriage. Now it was personal! “He has no respect for me,” Alice would say. “He knows I hate it when he yells at the kids, but he won’t stop.”
Patterns Take Actions
Do you want to know the most dangerous words in any relationship? “We need to talk.”
When you hear it, you know you will be blamed for something. We live in a world steeped in blame and shame because we are not taught to understand patterns.
Patterns take actions, and you and your partner are not necessarily choosing those actions.
You might think that this absolves you of all responsibility – but in reality, the opposite is true. Understanding patterns puts us more on the hook, not less.
Once we understand that patterns take action, it becomes our responsibility to remove the patterns that aren’t working.
Alice Always Blamed Robert
Before learning about patterns, Alice blamed Robert for everything.
She believed that the sequence of events leading up to Robert’s actions is: THINK > FEEL ⇒ ACT. Meaning he would think first, feel second, and act third.
But one day, she understood that the sequence of events was actually: FEEL ⇒ ACT ⇒ THINK.
This brings us to mistake number 3, the biggest mistake that leads to conflict!
Mistake #3: Working on Relationships Instead of Working on Our Own Patterns
Traditional marriage counseling and couples therapy have us trying to work on communication techniques, listening, compromise, and all sorts of ways to fix what is happening between the players.
Marriage counseling and couples therapy look into the past to understand childhood trauma, relationships with primary caregivers, and how those things have molded our current relationship with our partner. All of this is important work, but it will not fix the conflict.
Working with patterns is different in many ways.
An understanding of patterns reveals the true source of the conflict, below the surface issues that most people look to fix.
Alice saw that her patterning was the source of her own adverse reaction to Robert’s yelling. She saw that every time he yelled, she moved in to rescue the kids (and that too was a pattern). She further was able to identify that her pattern of blaming her husband was allowing the kids to undermine his parental requests, and was contributing to the issue.
And understanding is not enough.
Once she was able to identify the source of the conflict as patterns, she was then able to use re-patterning to upgrade her patterns that weren’t working.
And Robert wasn’t off the hook, either!
- He was able to identify, own and remove his own unworkable patterns.
- He removed his pattern of yelling and disciplining by way of bribing or threatening.
- Not only that, but he removed the pattern of not wanting to talk about issues.
Patterns Shift Actions
Everything shifted as Alice and Robert stopped trying to work on their relationship and instead worked on their own individual patterns.
The kids started hanging around the kitchen as the parents made dinner. They started lingering at the table afterward to talk. The yelling stopped.
Alice noticed she didn’t need to talk about everything all the time. Robert found himself enjoying his kid’s chitter-chatter. They laughed more. Held hands more.
The Anatomy of Conflict: from Making Mistakes to Shifting Patterns
Conflict, as we know, is largely about fault-finding. Conflict assigns blame, either to ourselves or to the other. We either want to apologize or force an apology.
Shifting patterns demonstrates that none of this is necessary because blame becomes pointless as we work with patterns.
There are 3 mistakes that couples make that escalate the conflict.
Mistake #1: They attempt to determine who’s right and who’s wrong. A pattern is never right or wrong. It simply works or doesn’t work. If it doesn’t work, don’t make it wrong. Just remove it.
Mistake #2: They consciously try to change their actions and behaviors. Patterns take action, and the fastest, most effective way to take new action is to create a new pattern.
Mistake #3: They are “working on a relationship” instead of working on their own patterns.
The Journey to a Loving Relationship
What always surprises and delights me about working with patterns is how this approach takes care of ourselves and everyone around us!
Are you ready to create a relationship based on love, respect, and intimacy? Then allow me to take you on a Relationships Re-patterning journey!
What is a Pattern?
The way I am defining patterns here is different from what you might be thinking of as a pattern:
- It’s NOT a repetitive action, such as a habit;
- It’s NOT a limiting belief;
- It’s NOT a repeated behavior such as procrastination.
The pattern is EMOTION + FEELING + THOUGHT:
- The emotion that you feel about a person, a conflict, or a situation;
- What happened physically in your body when you think of this person, a conflict, or a situation;
- And finally, the thought that rushes into your head about this person, a conflict, or a situation.
Patterns exist under the surface. They originate in the subconscious, and they cause your reaction and action.
The Neuroscience of Patterns
The last 20 years have shown an explosion in the field of neuroscience. The findings in this field challenge everything we thought we knew about the human mind.
A study by John Dylan Haynes, a German neuroscientist, showed that modern brain scanners can see the decision you are about to make before you know that you will make it!
For us, this means that:
1. We cannot easily change our actions because we are not in control of our actions!
2. Our patterns are in control – patterns that have already predetermined our next action, well before we are aware that we will take that action.
3. You can not necessarily act on the solution just because you know the solution.
4. Your thought is always in support of the action you just took.
5. Patterns are not personal. Your partner is not deliberately trying not to listen to you or deliberately trying to undermine you.
6. Their patterns are not at all interested in your logic! The action a pattern will take will be the same action that the pattern took yesterday.
7. The simplest and most effective solution is to start where the conflict originates, which is in the pattern itself and upgrade that pattern. When you do this right, the conflict is permanently eliminated.
“I Will Never Do it Again” Fallacy
How often have you told yourself or someone you love, “I’ll never do that again!”? How many times have you promised to change, improve, do it differently, and then catch yourself doing the exact thing you swore you wouldn’t do?
This is where Robert was at. He knew standing at the bottom of the stairs, yelling at the kids to get downstairs NOW, wasn’t effective. He knew that threatening to cut off the internet if they didn’t get down the stairs in 5 minutes was an empty threat. But just knowing something isn’t working doesn’t mean you can change it.
Why making a change is not that easy?
People are Icebergs
The easiest way to understand why change is not easy is to think of yourself and other people as icebergs.
At the top of the water, above the surface, are all of your actions, all of your behaviors, and all of your beliefs, both conscious and subconscious.
Below the water are your patterns.
When we try to change something that isn’t working, most of us take one of two approaches:
- The top-down approach, or
- The bottom-up approach.
Top-Down Approach
You force yourself to take a new action, and do it over and over again, in the hopes that eventually, that new action will trickle down and change your behavior, which will change your belief.
If Robert were to take the top-down approach, he might try to count to 10 every time he felt like yelling.
Bottom-up Approach
The other way we are taught to deal with our conflicts is bottom-up: change your belief. This will, in turn, change your behavior, eventually changing your actions.
In this case, you might try to reframe the underlying story or look for the originating incident – common approaches used in therapy.
Robert and Alice had tried counseling in the past. Even though Robert had explored his temper by looking at how the conflict was dealt with in his family of origin, he was still yelling at his children.
Patterns explain why neither the top-down, nor bottom-up approaches often don’t work! Trying to change our actions, behaviors, and beliefs is a little like re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic as it’s sinking.
It is what is under the water that sinks the ship. Until we remove the underlying pattern, it is still there, and because it is still there, we are subject to taking that action again and again.
Patterns Provide the Answer
Did you know that your subconscious is brilliant? We may not have conscious access to it, but when we can get out of our own way, there is gold in our subconscious that far exceeds conscious understanding.
How do you create a new pattern?
When we get out of our own way and remove the unworkable patterns, we make room for the subconscious to give birth to optimal patterns and optimal patterns take optimal actions.
There is a root cause for conflict, and conflict is largely unnecessary. Owning your pattern allows you to do the only truly constructive thing you could do: remove the unworkable pattern that was creating conflict. Then the subconscious does what the subconscious does. It creates an optimal pattern that allows you to make a change.
After working with thousands of people, I believe that this is how humans should operate. Somewhere along the journey, humans got lost.
Conflict isn’t necessary. It isn’t helpful, and it isn’t constructive. It is a misunderstanding of how our brains work. Not only that, but it’s a misunderstanding of who we are as human beings.
When we work with our patterns, the conflict ends.
No matter how conflicted your relationship is, there is a way to fall in love again by learning how to identify and upgrade your brain patterning.
Frequently Asked Questions
A: Relationships Re-patterning is the new marriage conflict management system based on the latest discoveries in brain science. Relationships Re-patterning is a step-by-step system that helps you quickly and easily identify the real source of your conflict, and then provides you with a highly effective technique to re-pattern the behaviors, so you can eliminate the source of the conflict for good.
A: Your program starts with each of you having a one-on-one, 60-minute telephone session with Adele. On this call, Adele will uncover the true source of the conflict and will show you the best way to move forward. At the same time, Adele will determine if Relationships Re-patterning will support you to heal the issues in your marriage:
- If she is confident that re-patterning is for you, will you be invited to take the next steps.
- If she doesn’t feel that this approach is right for you, she will let you know why, and suggest alternatives.
- If you get selected, your results are guaranteed.
- Adele will tell you exactly what to expect at the end of the twelve-week program.
- If, for any reason, you do not accomplish these results, then one of two things will happen next. Either Adele continues to work with you free of charge until you do get the results, or she refunds your money.
Because you will be learning a powerful technique, there has not been a single couple Adele worked with that has not gotten the guaranteed results.
A: The differences between marriage counseling and re-patterning are many. One fundamental difference is that you need not communicate your grievances with each other. Instead, you learn a technique to apply to the patterns that got revealed in the deep dive. This happens during your 3-way, weekly calls with Adele. As each of you re-pattern your individual patterns, the relationship is healed. The way you interact starts to change rapidly. The conflicts start to melt away almost immediately and by the eight-week mark, the initial conflicts are typically fully gone.
A: The Relationships Re-patterning program consists of:
- Two 60-minute Deep Dive sessions (one for each partner);
- Twelve one-hour weekly 3-way sessions;
- Video lessons;
- Two bonus one-on-one 60-minute sessions to be used at any time during your program.
Learn to see the world differently
The post Eliminate Relationship Conflict for Good: A New and Different Way of Managing Conflict appeared first on Adele Spraggon.
from Adele Spraggon https://www.adelespraggon.com/repattern-relationships/
via IFTTT
